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Q. So how big is this family anyway?
A. Uh, pretty big
actually.
Let's just say we always have a few turkeys ready for dinner
on major holidays (referring of course to the entrees and
not to any particular relative, which is a whole different issue). Specifically,
our family is
this
big.
Q.
I noticed you have a huge number of visitors on that
hit counter. Is that a fake number or have that many people
really come to your stupid website?
A.
Amazingly enough, the
number is accurate. Heck if we know who all they all
are, but every month we get a couple of thousand hits and it's not
just Anonomous Kinfolk hitting his refresh button repeatedly
(the new meds he's on seems to have helped quite a bit with his
obsessive behaviors).
Reports on our traffic data each month
generally shows at least 2,500 visits from 700 unique (different) users from a
minimum of six different countries have come here to check us out. Go
figure.
Q. Who
the heck is "Anonomous Kinfolk"
A. He's a close --very close-- relative
with a slight spelling problem who has
a nice little apartment in the crawl space under mom's
house. He likes the comfy atmosphere of gloomy dankness under there and we like
keeping him out of eyesight of the local authorities.
By the way, I sincerely hope you have a
gift for discerning the difference between factual data and
ill-disguised and poorly crafted satire. Trust me, it will make
your visit here much less bewildering if you do.
Q.
And while we're on the topic of mental disorders, I'm not so sure about you
either. Who the heck is the "Web Empress"?
A. I am a member
of the family with a life-long case of Geekness (for
example,
this cartoon cracks me up every time I look at it.
'Nuff said.). I crave microchips like most
people crave chocolate and sometimes I have naughty dreams about Bill Gates
which usually revolve around me sitting at my desk working on a particularly finicky
embedded table and Bill walks in wearing a....uh, never mind. Next question.
Q.
I think the entire family is a little off in the head.
A. Not that
we disagree with you, but technically speaking that wasn't a question.
Q.
Well then, who
the heck
ARE you people?
A. This is
the website for our family--the Dockins family, also known as Dock & Pauline's kids and their kids and
grandkids. It started out as an April Fool's joke and kinda went downhill
from there.
Q.
If the website is for the whole family, why is it named after
Roger and Brenda?
A.
It has to do with that April Fools joke I mentioned. And all the really good names like www.dockins.com and www.susan.com were
already taken.
Q. In choosing the name
for the website, did you consider www.Bradley.com?
A.
Nope. Never crossed my mind.
Q. How about
www.bratley.com?
A.
Catchy! Wish I had thought of that. Oh, I guess I just did.
Q.
Why
does everyone pick on Bratley--I mean Bradley--all the time?
A.
Habit, plus we like it.
Q.
How does Bradley feel
about being treated this way?
A. He's
been used to it ever since our parents tried to abandon him in a graveyard when he
was a toddler.
Q.
Aren't you concerned
he'll be emotionally damaged by this ?
A. Too
late. I think that happened when we tried to feed
him to a brown bear when he was about six.
Q.
Enough about the
shabby treatment of your brother! What about some answers to the
mysterious behaviors of this website?
A.
If you insist, but we haven't even gotten to the story about Dad letting
him sniff brake fluid until he passed out on the garbage pile at the
Station. I think he was about 3 when that happened. By the way, are you sure you don't want to hear about the
time Paul and Roger forgot him at the lumber yard?
Q.
No! I don't want to hear about that one either! But I am curious
why there are not as many photos in the galleries as there used to be.
Whatssup with that?
A.
Then I'm assuming you aren't interested in the story of me judo-flipping
him onto the concrete patio? I think that one might have done some
brain damage.
Q. What
is wrong with you people?!?! Just tell me the deal with those
photos!
A.
Sorry.
About those photos: I haven't restored everything since we moved to our current
server following a hard crash of the old site. When we moved
I completely redesigned the layout and graphics because I was sick of looking at the
old ones, and then
I worked on several other projects such as my job and my
personal life instead of working on the website photo
project.
The point being that all that procrastination and
poor utilization of my time resulted in the photos going MIA
and staying that way for a year. Or two. Or three. If you
are unhappy with my webmastering services, I'll be happy to refund your
money. Oh wait, I almost forgot: I do this for free.
Q. Why
does the Photo page take so long to load?
A.
Bad news: you have a slow internet connection, pal. I use a compression software to
help photos load faster--it reduces the quality a bit but its worth it to those connecting at
a snail's pace. If there's a photo you would like to have in full resolution, email me and I'll send you an uncompressed
version.
Q.
Why
isn't MY picture on the Photo Page?
A.
In case you haven't
noticed we aren't exactly picky about what gets posted here, thus
the reason your photo isn't here is because
I don't have one despite my having nagged you about it a
thousand times.
Email your photo to me and it will be
posted here for the enjoyment of all. I'll be sitting here by my Inbox
in breathless anticipation.
Q.
Can I put photos of "not family" on my Family Gallery page?
You know, like pictures of my friends, my softball team, my favorite band
Metallica, etc?
A. You can put anything you want in
your Family Gallery now that we have abundant web space at our
command. Well, except for photos of Metallica--I will never forgive
them for screwing up Napster and
interfering with my ability to download free pirated music. Email me the
photos, links, or whatever it is you want added to your page and I will
post them for you. Unflattering photos of your Web Empress excepted,
of course.
Q. Since Loretta was the ONLY
one to get you a fruitcake for Christmas last year, what does this mean for the rest of us?
A. Let's
just say that it's always Fruitcake Season for the Web Empress so the best
way to insure a flattering image of yourself here on the ol' www is to
crank out a fruitcake or two.
Loretta is diligent in
practicing proactive fruitcake bribery (I bring your attention to the hot photo of her
in a swimsuit at the top of this page), but as for the rest of my deadbeat
relatives let me remind you that I spend hours on this little website
just so you can drop in to check for new photos of yourself and
all I ask for in return is a lousy fruitcake. But do I ever get one? No.
So until you dust off your
oven and get down to some serious chopping of fruit and nuts, the Photo Gallery shall remain, shall we say, "interesting"
for you.
I have a digital camera and
I know how to use it. Be afraid. Be very
afraid.
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